Secretary of State John Kerry said in Vienna on Friday that air conditioners and refrigerators are as big of a threat to life as the threat of terrorism posed by groups like the Islamic State. The Washington Examiner reported that Kerry was in Vienna to amend the 1987 Montreal Protocol that would phase out hydrofluorocarbons, or HFCs, from basic household and commercial appliances like air conditioners, refrigerators and inhalers. “As we were working together on the challenge of [ISIS] terrorism,” Kerry said, “it’s hard for some people to grasp it, but what we – you – are doing here right now is of equal importance because it has the ability to literally save life on the planet itself.”
Asked whether he had any personal experience with discontinuing the use of said technologies, Kerry replied that he “felt smarter” ever since he chose to live without them. “Actually, yes,” he replied, adding, “I can tell you that I’m not just saying this because it’s written in my speech. I’ve actually been living without a refrigerator and air conditioning for some time now, and I’ve recently started experiencing positive consequences, like an improved memory, sharper attentiveness and decreased flatulence. Generally, I feel much smarter now and I’m also in better shape because I sweat more.”
“I generally feel that we need to take steps necessary to pass legislation that would disallow the further use of refrigerators and air conditioning in the United States, because not only do such steps guarantee the improvement of physical health in people, but it also helps the planet,” the Secretary of State argued. “Simply put, I think such household appliances are more dangerous to America and Americans than ISIS ever could be. We need to act quickly and ban the us of such apparatuses throughout American households or we’ll be faced with an epidemic that goes far beyond global warming.”
“In fact,” Kerry also said, “it is my belief that only northern countries like Canada and the like have the moral right to fight ISIS. Now, I know that their military is not as impressive as ours, but surely we’d be able to find some sort of solution where we would advise them what to do while they would be the ones responsible for direct participation in the field.” Asked to elaborate on why he feels only northern countries have a moral right to fight ISIS, Kerry responded, “Because it’s cold there.”
“And countries that are exposed to colder climate for extended periods of time don’t have a need for air conditioning, thereby making them more responsible for fighting terrorism in all of its forms,” Kerry said. “And like I said, we should stop doing it for now because we’re pretty much using air conditioning like crazy, and we’re damaging the planet more than anybody else, pretty much. So, until we sort that out, we need to pull our troops back from the Middle East and focus on fixing problems in our own back yard. Once we’re finished with that, we’ll go back and help out the Canadians. God knows they’ll need it,” the Secretary of State concluded.